In today’s rapidly evolving world, gender roles, career aspirations, and family dynamics are undergoing significant changes. South Asian relationships, particularly within immigrant communities, face unique challenges and opportunities. Traditionally, many South Asian men have navigated their professional success abroad, often returning to their home countries to marry women through arranged marriages, typically with partners who share their cultural values. These women are then brought to their new countries, where some pursue education or careers, but many remain housewives while the men work. This practice of maintaining cultural roots through marriage has long been part of the immigrant experience for men and is seen as a cornerstone of many successful immigrant families.
However, successful South Asian women often do not follow the same path. Unlike their male counterparts, they rarely return to their home countries to engage in arranged marriages with strangers, bring their husbands abroad, and start a family. Why is this? Could it be that modern feminism, despite its strengths, does not fully address the challenges these women face—especially in terms of finding eligible partners? As more South Asian women become well-educated, financially independent, and professionally established, they encounter a landscape where cultural expectations clash with modern gender roles.
Unequal Recognition of Contributions
Despite the increasing presence of women in professional spheres, South Asian relationships often continue to perpetuate the unequal recognition of contributions between men and women. Raka Ray and Seemin Qayum in “Cultures of Servitude” argue that traditional norms of gendered servitude persist even as societies modernize. Women are expected to manage the household, provide emotional labor, and, in some cases, contribute financially—yet their roles are often undervalued in comparison to men’s economic contributions.
This disparity is particularly problematic for South Asian women who achieve professional success. These women are often expected to simultaneously balance a career and household responsibilities. In many cases, their professional achievements are overshadowed by cultural expectations to prioritize family and caregiving. Amrita Nandy, in “Motherhood and Choice”, highlights this tension, where women’s roles in the family overshadow their professional lives, reinforcing the idea that caregiving is their primary contribution.
The pressure placed on South Asian women to fulfill both traditional domestic roles and succeed professionally creates an unbalanced dynamic where their efforts are not equally acknowledged. Men, meanwhile, are frequently celebrated as breadwinners, even when women contribute equally or more to household income.
Gendered Impact of Job Loss
A key issue in modern South Asian relationships is the gendered impact of job loss. For men, losing a job can have severe consequences for their perceived value within the family. Veena Das, in her anthropological work on South Asian family dynamics, notes that men’s roles as providers are deeply entrenched in cultural norms, meaning that job loss can lead to a loss of respect or even attraction within the relationship.
For women, however, job loss does not have the same impact. Even when women are primary earners, they are often still seen as the emotional and domestic caregivers. Their financial contributions are not as central to their perceived value in the relationship. Laura Bettencourt and Joan Chrisler discuss how societal expectations in South Asian communities tie men’s worth closely to their ability to provide financially, while women’s contributions are more associated with caregiving, thus allowing them to navigate job loss with less personal or relational stigma.
This double standard places immense pressure on men to maintain their employment status as a sign of their worth. Meanwhile, women, even when successful, are expected to take on the primary responsibility for managing the home and emotions, reinforcing a limited understanding of their value.
Financial Control and Trust Issues
As more South Asian women become primary earners or contribute equally to household finances, the issue of financial control creates tension within relationships. Traditionally, financial control has been in the hands of men, who are seen as the decision-makers and heads of households. However, with women increasingly contributing or even out-earning men, these traditional power dynamics are being challenged.
Sylvia Vatuk in her work “Marriage and its Discontents: Women, Islam, and the Law in India” discusses how financial control in marriages often mirrors broader societal structures of power and autonomy. In many South Asian families, financial management remains a sensitive issue, with women feeling the need to maintain control over finances as a form of protecting their independence.
Similarly, Marianne Cooper in “Cut Adrift” examines how financial insecurity can strain relationships, particularly when women become the primary earners. In South Asian contexts, where patriarchal values still heavily influence family structures, this shift in financial control can lead to issues of trust and autonomy. Men may struggle to adapt to changing roles, while women may feel a need to assert financial authority to ensure their contributions are recognized.
Limited Partner Selection for Women
South Asian men frequently return to their home countries to find wives, bringing them back to their adopted countries to start families. This is seen as a way to maintain cultural ties and fulfill traditional expectations. However, this option is not as accessible or socially accepted for successful South Asian women. They face the added pressure of marrying someone of equal or higher status, particularly when it comes to financial and professional success.
Amrita Nandy and Rebecca Traister both discuss how women’s choices are constrained by societal expectations, especially in patriarchal societies. In “All the Single Ladies”, Traister highlights how successful women are often judged for not following traditional partner selection models. For South Asian women, this pressure is compounded by cultural norms that demand they marry “up.” Marrying a man of lower financial or professional standing is seen as “settling,” further reducing the pool of eligible men.
This tension creates significant challenges for successful women. While they may prioritize emotional compatibility, shared values, and partnership, they are often forced to navigate a narrow range of acceptable options dictated by cultural and societal expectations. Amrita Nandy argues that these pressures prevent women from exercising full autonomy in their partner selection, often leading to a delay in marriage or a rejection of traditional options like arranged marriage.
Outdated Gender Norms
The persistence of outdated gender norms continues to shape South Asian relationships, particularly in terms of expectations around family and career. Uma Chakravarti, in her work “Gendering Caste: Through a Feminist Lens”, examines how caste and gender intertwine to maintain patriarchal family structures, where men are seen as the breadwinners and women as caregivers, regardless of their individual career success.
Even when women achieve financial independence, the expectation remains that they will prioritize family over career. Men, meanwhile, are not expected to take on caregiving roles, reinforcing a gendered division of labor. Veena Das’ anthropological work underscores how these norms are difficult to break, as they are rooted deeply in cultural and familial expectations that shape everyday life.
These norms create a significant challenge for modern South Asian relationships, where both partners may contribute equally to household finances, but women are still expected to manage the home. The tension between modern dual-income realities and traditional expectations creates confusion and strain for couples trying to navigate these evolving dynamics.
Solutions
Redefining Success Beyond Financial Contribution: To address these issues, South Asian communities need to redefine success in relationships. Success should not be measured solely by financial contributions but by emotional support, shared responsibilities, and mutual respect. Arlie Hochschild’s concept of the “second shift” is key here—recognizing that both men and women must share the domestic load to build stronger, more resilient partnerships.
Encouraging Open Dialogue: Open, transparent communication is essential for navigating these evolving dynamics. Lisa Wade, in her work on gender and relationships, highlights the importance of couples discussing their expectations, contributions, and pressures openly. South Asian families should embrace dialogue about shared responsibilities, financial decisions, and emotional labor to foster more equitable relationships.
Supporting Couples Through Job Loss: Job loss affects men and women differently, and couples need support to navigate these challenges. John List and Uri Gneezy argue that couples who receive emotional and financial counseling during periods of job loss are better equipped to overcome the financial and emotional strain, helping to build stronger partnerships.
Promoting Financial Literacy and Shared Decision-Making: Financial literacy programs that promote shared financial decision-making can help reduce tension in relationships. Marianne Cooper’s research shows that when couples share financial responsibilities, trust is strengthened, and power dynamics are more balanced.
Validating Diverse Relationship Models: South Asian women should be encouraged to explore diverse partnership models that prioritize emotional compatibility and shared values over traditional financial and social status expectations. Amrita Nandy and Sylvia Vatuk advocate for a reevaluation of marriage norms that empower women to make decisions that align with their values, rather than conforming to outdated societal pressures.
Shifting Perceptions of Masculinity and Femininity: Finally, shifting perceptions of masculinity and femininity is essential for creating more balanced relationships. Srila Roy, in her work on gender and subjectivity, challenges traditional notions of masculinity, advocating for a more fluid understanding that values empathy, emotional intelligence, and partnership over outdated patriarchal ideals.
Conclusion
South Asian relationships are at a critical juncture, where traditional norms are in conflict with modern realities. By redefining success, fostering open communication, and embracing diverse relationship models, South Asian men and women can build stronger, more equitable partnerships. The future of these relationships lies in moving beyond rigid gender roles and embracing the complexities of modern life, where success is not only measured by financial contributions but by emotional connection, shared responsibility, and mutual respect.
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